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Breaking the Chain of Generational Pain |
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In my years of practice I have heard stories of children coping with adversity such as dire poverty or a high level of family conflict. I have also heard appalling stories from my clients of growing up experiencing child abuse, molestation, or an alcoholic, raging parent.
It is surprising how resilient children can be. A study documented that if a child has only one supportive adult or mentor, such as a teacher, coach or grandparent, they can overcome great adversity and become a productive adult. I am truly humbled when I meet someone who has mastered such adversity.
Every family has strengths and weaknesses. Each of us holds templates in our sub-conscious mind that are the product of our childhood experiences. Our family of origin was our first school and we were enrolled for 18 years, plus or minus. We absorbed many lessons un-critically because we had no comparisons.
When a person grows up, marries and starts a new family, these templates come to life. The person begins to act out behavior that he or she observed as a child in their family home. A partner often doesn’t recognize this process because it comes from programs in the sub-conscious mind.
Having children has a similar effect. A mother, who promised that she would never yell at her child in an abusive manner, finds herself yelling at her child. Or, a father finds himself flying into a rage like his rage-aholic father, a behavior he swore he would never repeat.
Incidents like these can be valuable opportunities to break the chain of generational pain.
In psychotherapy the client describes and takes full responsibility for his or her alarming and unacceptable behavior. He or she re-visits the family system where they first observed the alarming behavior. Now, as an adult, one can analyze the family process. One now has the ability to think critically and reflect on how dysfunctional family behavior affected the person as a child. Often the client gets in touch with emotional pain that has long been buried and unexpressed.
The object of this exploration is not “parent bashing.” It is not an excuse to claim victim status. Most parents raise their children doing the best they can with what they know at the time.
Rather, naming and understanding patterns of behavior gives the client a powerful tool to change behavior. The un-desirable behavior is no longer an automatic response. The person can now choose to behave in a different manner and “break the chain.” He or she can create a family life where loving-kindness is the rule and not the exception and where children grow up to be confident and competent young adults.
© 2009 Donald Hope
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