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Speaking from the "I" Position |
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When a couple comes to me for counseling they are often speaking to each other using the words “you”, “never” and “always.” For example:
“You always play golf on weekends and ignore me.” or
“You never acknowledge how much I contribute to the family.”
These “you statements” communicate accusation and blame. The person on the receiving end is instantly on the defensive and instead of listening to their partner’s complaint he or she begins composing a defensive rebuttal or verbal counter-attack.
The words “always” and “never” reinforce the blame and accusation in this attacking mode of speaking. Furthermore, few people are so consistent in their behavior that they always or never do something. Always and never should be dropped and replaced by words like “often” / “seldom” or “frequently” / “rarely”
Attack and counter attack can spiral into a loud, nasty argument that creates hurt feelings and doesn’t resolve the issue. The issue gets lost in the fog of war. The conversation generates a lot of heat and very little light.
Dead end arguments can be avoided by phrasing statements from the “I” position.
“I feel lonely and miss you when you play golf every weekend.”
“I work hard to contribute to the family and I feel this isn’t acknowledged.”
Speaking from the “I” position thus takes out the “you” and with it the element of blame and accusation. Instead the speaker is stating how he/she thinks, feels or perceives the situation. He/she is stating an opinion and not a fact.
This makes it much easier for their partner to actively listen to the speaker rather than using the time to compose counter-arguments. The listener then has an opening to discuss and present their own differing point of view.
Now, instead of an argument, the partners are engaged in a conversation and instead of an argument spiraling to a dead-end there is the chance to have a problem solving discussion.
One possibility is that there will be a meeting of the minds. Another is that the partners will agree to disagree on the issue. It is possible to disagree without being disagreeable. Sometimes it is helpful to agree to table the discussion until later so that each person has a chance to ponder the issue and devise reasonable alternatives.
© 2009 Donald Hope
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