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If you are a parent you might not notice it, but you are under constant surveillance. Your children are watching how you act and listening to what you say and how you say it.
You know how smart they are, how they are learning like a rocket, how quickly they master a new game or skill. But it is easy to forget that they are taking in your example every minute they are with you.
Fathers and mothers make great sacrifices and do their best to nurture and guide their children to be productive adults with positive, satisfying relationships. They coach sports, monitor their child’s education, tutor and encourage them to study and teach them the everyday practical skills they will need as adults.
There is another aspect of family life that parents sometimes overlook. This is the family dynamic, the complex web of roles and relationships that define family life. If mother and father speak to each other with respect, are honest and tell the truth, collaborate to solve problems, treat each other with generosity and loving-kindness – then this is what the children see and hear and this is what they internalize.
On the other hand if mother and/or father rage and yell accusations at each other, if there are secrets and evasiveness, if problem-solving becomes a debate about who is “right” and who is “wrong”, if they treat their partner with contempt and use degrading words or actions –then this is what the children see and hear and this is what they internalize.
To complicate matters, the child doesn’t know that he or she is internalizing aspects of his or her parents’ relationship. The younger the child, the less experience he or she has de-coding and evaluating interactions. They un-critically take in the family dynamic their parents are modeling. After all, these are by far the most important people in their world.
Some parents realize that they are creating a toxic atmosphere in the home and in their marriage. This is when couples counseling can be of great benefit to the parents and even greater benefit to their children.
The first step in couples counseling is to restore respectful dialogue. This means re-learning how to both talk respectfully and listen attentively. It means giving up yelling, which is an ineffective and self defeating behavior. It means putting away the pointing finger of blame and examining one’s own contribution to conflict. It means learning to acknowledge differing points of view and forbearing “right” vs. “wrong” judgments.
When respectful communication is practiced, then the troubling issues can be addressed in a productive manner and solutions crafted.
Some couples make great strides forward which benefit their children tremendously. However, any progress to improve the family dynamic will un-burden the children to some extent and they will internalize more positive models of how to relate to others, including their future spouse and children.
© 2009 Donald Hope
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