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Effective, reasonable discipline is good for children. It offers them guidance and demonstrates caring and concern. The goal of parental discipline should be to make every situation a learning opportunity so that over time the child internalizes self discipline, the ability to make decisions and to learn from mistakes.
Avoid punishment mode. Punishment results in short term compliance and long term defiance. Re-structure punishments into incentives. (“If you do what you need to do to get ready for bed – then we can read a story,” rather than, “if you don’t get ready for bed you won’t get story time.”) Incentives are extremely effective, however it may take time to back out of punishment mode into incentive mode.
Use selective ignoring - When reasonably possible, learn to ignore certain inappropriate behavior. Thus inappropriate behavior will not be reinforced with adult attention. (“When you are finished with your tantrum, then we can talk.”)
As much as reasonably possible, avoid arguing with a child. Refuse to be “lawyered.” Assert the expectation that dialogue be respectful of adult authority. Agree to engage in discussion of an issue if it is with a normal tone of voice and if there is both talking and listening by the child and the parent.
Lead by example. A parent yelling or otherwise acting in an angry or frustrated manner results in a loss of parental authority. In addition, the parent is modeling the very behaviors that she/he doesn’t want the child to imitate. Better to take an adult time out and self sooth than to act out feelings of anger.
Parents need to be on the same wavelength with each other as regards parenting. They need to discuss their differences and work out a consistent approach. If the parents can’t work out their different parenting styles they will give the child mixed messages. They will also model the inability to negotiate and compromise, essential skills the child will need to be an effective adult.
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