Hope Therapy-Mediation

I like the word “loving-kindness” and find it to be very useful in my work as a couples therapist. It describes succinctly the essential element of a happy family life. A person demonstrates his or her love for another through acts of kindness. The acts of kindness are given as a gift with no expectation of return.

There is a paradox here because when one gives without expectation of return, one’s kindness will multiply and will, in an un-predictable manner, return to the giver. Think of Aesop’s fable of Androcles and the Lion.

My daughter’s day-care class sang this song:

“Love is something if you give it away, give it away, give it away,
Love is something if you give it away, you end up having more.”

In other areas of life there are shortages of money and resources. There is a fixed pie that is divided up un-equally. One must compete for a fair share, or a bigger share, of the pie. Your gain is my loss. Your fortune can be my misfortune.

However, there is not a shortage of loving-kindness. It is plentiful and renewable. If you give it away, you end up having more.

When I work with couples who want to repair their frayed relationship there is often a perceived shortage of loving-kindness. There is a belief that there is not enough love to go around and often one or both partners are starved for affection.

Therefore, in addition to defining the presenting problem, exploring what each individual learned growing up in their particular family, re-establishing respectful communication, learning to discuss issues in a civil manner – I ask each individual how they practice loving-kindness in the family. How do they demonstrate kindness to their spouse? What acts of kindness have they given away in the last week? Do they know what particular acts of kindness their spouse hungers for? Each partner needs to learn or re-learn the practice of loving-kindness if they want to build or recover an intimate bond with their partner.

Copyright 2009 Donald Hope