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Defining the Presenting Problem
Couples present a wide range of concerns, for example:
- They argue in-effectively rather than discuss problems and find solutions.
- Partners hold different parenting beliefs – strict vs. lenient - order vs. disorder.
- One or both partners are uncomfortable with the emotional domain and there is a shortage of empathy and intimacy.
- There is a breach of trust and loyalty that is devastating to the betrayed partner.
- Alcohol or drug abuse is eroding the relationship and hurting the family.
Both Partners Must Commit to Restoring Respectful Communication
- There may be a pattern of accusative argument about who is right and who is wrong. Accusative arguments generate lots of heat and little light – and thus issues are not resolved.
- Communication may have eroded to the level of contempt. Contempt is a relationship killer and respectful communication needs to be restored if the relationship is to survive.
- Both partners need to get out of accusative mode and they must put aside assignment of blame in favor of doing better moving forward.
- He or she must learn to express angry feelings in an appropriate way with words rather than acting out.
Exploring Family History and Inherited Patterns
- Exploring family history reveals differing expectations of family life.
- As a child, what was the family structure and how did the family interact?
- What were the over-riding themes, patterns and beliefs in the family the person grew up in?
- What was the individual’s role in family?
- What lessons were learned as a child, that for good or ill, are being imported into the present day family?
Articulating the Interlocking Triggers that Fuel Conflict
- The couple’s communication process is explored and clearly described.
- Most often partners are triggering each other into a negative downward spiral of mis-communication and hurt feelings.
- Partners project their un-resolved issues onto their mate and vice versa. Self reflection and owning one’s own inner conflicts has a dramatic effect on the individual and on their primary relationship.
Committing to Change
- The groundwork has been laid. It is what needs to change.
- Most often both partners have a role in the dysfunction and therefore both partners have to change in sync - a challenging task.
- The clients and the therapist must be creative to retire obsolete beliefs and behaviors in favor of more functional ones.
- A "creative leap" is when the couple embraces a new solution to an old problem and thus break out of a repetitive, unhappy, entrenched pattern.
- It’s a trial and error process. It requires grit and determination and time.
Rehearsing New Behavior in Therapy Sessions and at Home
- Old habits die hard. It takes time and repetitive practice to install new behavior patterns.
- The couple needs to take initiative – the therapist can’t make anyone change against his or her will nor can he motivate the un-motivated – the individual needs to make decisions and resolve to change his/her behavior patterns. Passively waiting for suggestions will not suffice – there needs to be active and creative actions on the part of both partners.
- Old patterns can predictably re-emerge under stress and at such times it is necessary to step back and try again.
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